


I'm not normal, I'm a mess.

by Cellybear666



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Crying Tsukishima Kei, Crying Yamaguchi Tadashi, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorder Recovery, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Tsukishima Kei, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lots of Crying, M/M, Men Crying, Not Beta Read, POV Third Person, Recovery, Sad, Sad Tsukishima Kei, Sad with a Happy Ending, Teen Angst, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Vomiting, anorexic Tsukishima Kei, worried Yamaguchi Tadashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cellybear666/pseuds/Cellybear666
Summary: Tsukishima develops bad habits again and Yamaguchi is worried.*TW* THIS WRITING DEALS WITH/ TALKS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS AND DOES INCLUDE VOMITING SCENES (not graphic)! please do not read if you this is a sensitive topic for you. Or if you do decide to read, please read with caution!
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 194





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *TW* THIS WRITING DEALS WITH/ TALKS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS AND DOES INCLUDE VOMITING SCENES (not graphic)! please do not read if you this is a sensitive topic for you. Or if you do decide to read, please read with caution!

Yamaguchi decided to use the restroom before practice, but when he got there he was met with an... uncomfortable situation. No one else was in there besides one other person. This person, occupying one of the stalls, was throwing up. Yamaguchi instantly felt embarrassed for intruding so he left and decided to wait outside the restrooms until the person got out. Yamaguchi tried to ignore the person when they came out so they wouldn’t suspect that someone walked in on them, but the person that came out was a very recognizable tall, blonde haired boy.

“Ts-Tsukki?” Yamaguchi said.

Tsukishima stopped in his tracks and turned around. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Yamaguchi, I thought you were headed to practice?” Tsukishima said.

“ I was, but I thought I’d use the restroom beforehand...Tsukki I don’t mean to intrude, but I heard you throwing up. Are you feeling okay?” Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima with concern.

“I’ll be fine. No need to worry about me.” Tsukishima said.

“Are you sure you're like okay, okay? I don’t mean to bring up past patterns, but-” Yamaguchi was cut off.

“Yamaguchi! I said I’ll be fine! That had nothing to do with what you’re getting at!” Tsukishima said sternly.

Yamaguchi flinched back. “I’m- I’m sorry Tsukki.”

Tsukishima realized what he'd done and sighed.

“No Yamaguchi, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out on you like that. Today has just been rough.” Tsukishima stated.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Yamaguchi said.

Tsukishima pulled Yamaguchi in for a hug. “I know.” Tsukishima let go of Yamaguchi. “I’ll see you at practice.”

Tsukishima turned back around and headed towards the gym. Yamaguchi stood there, almost on the brink of tears. Maybe he was overthinking this. Maybe Tsukishima was just so stressed that he got sick. Yamaguchi couldn’t let his guard down though. He saw something in Tsukishima’s eyes that wasn’t normal. Fear, pain, sadness. Yamaguchi wasn’t sure. He also noticed the change in tone with Tsukishima when he asked if he was okay.

Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima for a long time, and it was in middle school Tsukishima had some questionable habits. Tsukishima was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, but his habits fit the description. When Yamaguchi brought it up to him for the first time Tsukishima looked like how he just did. Like a deer caught in the headlights. After Yamaguchi brought it up, Tsukishima stopped everything. After that Tsukishima would start again here and there, but he was too worried that he'd get caught again so he stopped if Yamaguchi or anyone was starting to suspect something.

Yamaguchi would take Tsukishima’s words this time, but he was going to make sure he kept an eye on him. Yamaguchi finished up in the restroom and headed to practice. He definitely made sure to watch Tsukishima and how he performed. Overall practice was fairly normal. Tsukishima moved a bit slower than normal and ran out of breath a bit quicker, but Yamaguchi was just hoping it had to do with him being stress sick and not anything deeper.

After practice they all cleaned up and headed out. Sawamura and Sugawara treated us to Onigiri at the Sakanoshita store. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi trailed behind the group as usual and once they caught up to everyone else Sugawara handed Tsukishima and Yamaguchi their food.

Yamaguchi took his. “Thank you.”

Tsukishima however, “Thank you, but sorry. I’m not feeling too well. Please feel free to give it to someone else.”

“Iw’ll tawke it (I’ll take it).” Hinata said with his mouth already full of one.

“Not unless you can beat me in rock, paper, scissors for it!” Nishinoya said. Next thing you know there was a battle to see who got Tsukishima’s Onigiri.

“That’s okay. I hope you feel better Tsukishima. Have a nice night. You too Yamaguchi.” Sugawara said.

“Goodnight.” Both Tsukishima and Yamaguchi said.

They both walked away from the group. It was a silent walk for the most part. Once they got to the street where they would split they said their good-nights and went home. Once Yamaguchi got home he washed up, got something to eat, settled for bed, and just prayed that what Tsukishima said was true and this doesn’t take a turn for the worst. Once Tsukishima got home he chugged a glass of water, washed up, and looked in the mirror. He looked at himself for a while, pointing out things about his body before he got into bed.

“Well, there’s no turning back now. I’m sorry, Yamaguchi.”

\-------

Both boys got up to get ready for school. Tsukishima noticed he looked a bit paler than normal and his dark circles were very pronounced. He thought about Just staying home today. 

_-No I can’t. We have a practice game today and Coach Uaki and the whole team would probably eat me alive if I wasn’t present. Also I need whatever exercise I can get.-_

He ate a piece of toast before heading out the door. He got to the location in the walk where he and Yamaguchi would meet and split. He didn’t see Yamaguchi yet so he waited a few minutes for him. Only after a couple minutes he noticed the freckles boy walk up. 

“Good morning Tsukki.” Yamaguchi greeted him. He also noticed that Tsukishima looked paler than normal, also less energetic compared to how “energetic” Tsukishima already was. Yamaguchi wasn’t going to say anything about it though. 

“Good morning Yamaguchi. Did you sleep well?” Tsukishima asked. He grabbed Yamaguchi's hand and they started walking. 

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi weren’t anything official, but they both knew they had feelings for each other. So they would do small little romantic gestures when they got the chance. They never agreed or disagreed to people’s suspicions, so everyone was under the impression they were just really good friends. The team were probably the only people who were catching onto their relationship. 

“I slept okay. It was a bit restless however.” Yamaguchi answered. “How did you sleep?” 

“Fine.” Tsukishima said. 

Yamaguchi looked up at Tsukishima. Tsukishima saw him looking at him out of his peripheral vision.

“Is there something on my face.” Tsukishima smirked. 

Yamaguchi looked away. “N-no.” 

“Are you curious to know how I’m doing since yesterday?” Tsukishima read Yamaguchi’s mind. 

Yamaguchi nodded his head yes. 

“I feel fine.” Tsukishima lied. 

“Okay Tsukki.” Yamaguchi said in defeat. He wasn’t going to push anything until he was more sure of Tsukishima’s objectives. 

They both walked the rest of the way to school with only small talk here and there. Once they got there, they went to class, they were in the same one, and got ready. After what seemed like forever, lunch time finally came around. Yamaguchi got up from his desk to Tsukishimas’. 

“Tsukki! Wanna eat lunch together?” 

“Sorry Yamaguchi. I have some things I need to do.” Tsukishima got up from his seat. 

“Oh, okay Tsukki. Tomorrow?” 

“That should be fine.” Tsukishima said. He grabbed his bag and left the classroom. He went to a staircase that wasn’t crazy active during this time and sat down on the steps. He wanted to be as far away from food as possible. His stomach growled. It’s been growling since class started. 

_-shut up. We’re not hungry right now. We’ll eat something later. After practice-_

Tsukishima didn’t exactly know how this all started. It was just one day in middle school he started these habits. He would rarely eat, try a bit harder in volleyball practice in hopes to lose more weight, and was constantly weighing himself. Maybe it was because he didn’t find joy in overindulging in food so he retreated to do the opposite. Maybe it was to feel in control for once. Maybe it was an outlet to cope with unheard feelings. He wasn’t exactly sure, but after a while Yamaguchi was starting to get concerned. 

Yamaguchi apparently looked up online certain symptoms Tsukishima was showing and it led to the chance that he had an eating disorder. Yamaguchi confronted him about it, and Tsukishima was a bit taken aback. Not because Yamaguchi was most likely right, but more so that Yamaguchi caught him. Tsukishima got scared that Yamaguchi was onto him so he stopped doing the things he was doing. He would start up again here and there, but he was too worried that Yamaguchi would catch him again and tell someone. So he would end up stopping. 

However at the beginning of high school something triggered something inside Tsukishima that made him start up again. It was already a little over halfway through the year and Tsukishima was doing well at not getting caught, until Yamaguchi caught him throwing up in the bathroom yesterday. 

_-god I’m so stupid. Why did I think that was a good idea to do it here? I need to be more careful. -_

Tsukishima rested his head in his hands. He was really starting to not feel great. 

_-get it together Kei. You just need to hold out long enough for tonight’s practice. I know you can do it-_

The school bell finally rang, signaling the students to go back to class. Tsukishima headed back and went to his desk.The rest of the day went by smoothly and then it was time for practice. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi headed up to the club room. Tsukishima stopped and stood next to the door. 

“Are you going to come in and change?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“I’m going to wait till everybody’s out.” Tsukishima said. 

Tsukishima didn’t like changing in front of people. He felt embarrassed of his body compared to everyone else’s. 

“Okay, Tsukki.” 

Yamaguchi headed in the club room. 

“Hey Yamaguchi!” Sugawara greeted him. 

“Hello everyone.” 

“Where’s Tsukishima?” Sugawara asked. 

“Oh, he’s right outside, but he said he’s going to wait till everyone is out.” 

“Why?” Hinata interrupted. 

“I don’t know.” Yamaguchi answered. Yamaguchi might have had a good idea though on why, but he didn’t want to just blurt out something that wasn’t the other teammates' business. 

“Maybe he can’t handle the heat.” Ryūnosuke joked, flexing his muscles. 

“Haha, yea!” Nishinoya joked along with Ryūnosuke and started flexing. 

“Please ignore them Yamaguchi. You know how they get. Anyways, is Tsukishima okay? I noticed yesterday he didn’t look too great.” Sugawara was concerned. 

“Mmmm well, he did get a little sick yesterday before practice.” Yamaguchi said. 

“WHAT? Is he okay?! Is he going to be able to play today’s practice game?!” Hinata interrupted again. 

“Ah, don’t mind, don’t mind. He said he’ll be fine.” Yamaguchi said light heartedly so no one would worry. 

Yamaguchi however was worried. He knew Tsukishima looked not so well this morning. 

_-I know he had “stuff” to do during lunch, but I don’t know if he was actually doing something or if he was avoiding eating. I hope he’s able to hold up for the practice match-_

Everyone finished getting ready for practice and headed to the gym. Tsukishima went into the club room. He started to get undressed to change into gym clothes. Before he put his gym shirt on he looked down at his body. He was already a slim person, but lately he’s been losing muscle definition, and you could see more of an outline of his ribs. He trailed his fingers along them. 

_-I feel...happy? Why? I know deep down this is wrong, but why do I feel like this?-_

Tsukishima finally snapped out of it and finished getting ready. He headed out of the club room, to the gym. 

“Tsukishima! You’re late!” Coach Ukai said. 

“I’m sorry sir. I’ll try and make sure it won’t happen again.” Tsukishima apologies. 

“Go warm up real quick! The other team will be here in just a few minutes.” Ukai directed. 

Tsukishima got warmed up while everyone else practiced drills. He was already done by the time the other team got there. They all stood around and chatted for a bit until it was time to start. First set went to Karasuno. Second went to the visiting team. It was all down to the third set. Karasuno was taking the lead by 3 points. Everything was going good until Tsukishima went to go block, but when he came back down his legs gave out and he hit the floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 will be posted later today or tomorrow!


	2. Chapter 2

“TSUKISHIMA!” People yelled. 

Yamaguchi and others ran up to assist him. 

“Ts-Tsukki! Are- are you okay?” Yamaguchi asked with a terrified voice. 

Tsukishima just groaned. Ukai and Takeda-sensei ran up to help. “Everyone move back. Give Tsukishima some space.” Takeda-sensei. 

Coach Ukai helped Tsukishima up. “Tsukishima can you hear me? Are you okay?” He asked. 

“I’ll be fine.” Tsukishima said. 

“Tsukishima, are you sure?” Coach Ukai said firmly.

“Yes sir.” Tsukishima responded. 

“But Tsu-“ Yamaguchi was cut off. 

“Yamaguchi, I’m okay.” Tsukishima said.

“Go grab some water before we start up again.” Takeda-sensei directed. 

Tsukishima grabbed some water and got back to the game. He was a bit on edge, but he worked through the game. Karasuno took the last set. Everyone shook hands and hung out afterwards. Soon the others left and Karasuno had a team meeting. After the team meeting Coach Ukai dismissed everyone to clean and lock up. 

“Tsukishima. I’m going to let you go early. You didn’t look too good for the rest of the game. Go home and rest.” Ukai ordered. 

Tsukishima nodded and left to go to the club room to grab his stuff. 

“Yamaguchi!” Ukai called for his attention. 

“Yes sir!” 

“I’m going to send you home early too. With Tsukishima. Make sure he gets home safe.” 

“Y-yes sir.” Yamaguchi said. 

He left the gym and headed up to the club room. He knew Tsukishima was still in there, but before he went in he peeked through the window in the door. He saw Tsukishima getting changed into normal clothes, but he also saw the figure Tsukishima took. He was shocked and heartbroken at his appearance. Yamaguchi saw the pointed out rib cage, the little muscle tone, the pure paleness. He saw the truth. He waited till Tsukishima got all his clothes on before coming in. Tsukishima jumped. 

“Oh it’s just you.” Tsukishima said in relief. 

“Sorry Tsukki. Didn’t mean to scare you. Coach Ukai was worried so he’s sending me home with you.” 

“Well at least I can leave with you in peace without everyone on our backs asking invasive questions about our “relationship status”.” Tsukishima said, then let out a little laugh. 

“Ha, ha. Yea…” Yamaguchi chuckled nervously. 

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi finished up in the club room and headed out. Tsukishima grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand and started walking home. 

_-His hands are colder than normal. They also feel more thin-_ Yamaguchi thought to himself. 

They both passed the Sakanoshita store. 

“Hey! Want to get some snacks real quick?” Yamaguchi asked pointing at the store. 

_-Maybe if I agree, Yamaguchi might ease up on me. I can just throw up all this stuff when I get home-_ Tsukishima thought. 

“Sure. I’ll pay.” Tsukishima smiled at Yamaguchi 

They both entered the store and picked out a few things. Tsukishima paid and then they continued walking home. Eating the snacks along the way. 

Once they got to the point in the road where the split, they gave each other a hug and said their goodbyes. 

“Oh Tsukki! Could you do me a favor?” 

“What is it Yamaguchi?” 

“Um, could you just message me when you get home? Just so I know you got there okay.” Yamaguchi avoided eye contact. 

“Mmhm.” Tsukishima nodded. 

They both walked in opposite directions and headed home. Once Tsukishima got home he made sure to text Yamaguchi then went straight to the bathroom. He got on the floor, hovering over the toilet. He stuck his fingers down his throat to make everything come up. He didn’t stop until he was basically dry heaving over the toilet. Once he felt that everything was out of his system he flushed the toilet, got up to the sink to wash his hands and brush his teeth. He then looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes flooded with tears and he broke down. 

_-Why did I agree to get food?! I’m so stupid sometimes! I knew this would be the price I had to pay! Why am I like this?! WHEN, did I become like this?! Why can’t I stop?! I never asked for this! I never wanted to become this...this monster! But I- I can’t s-stop...it’s like my mind and body work against me… and I’m letting it happen...Everyone says I’m the normal one, heck even I say it, but I’m not normal. I’m a mess. -_

\------

Tsukishima wiped his tears and went to bed. However he didn’t go to sleep. He couldn’t. Hours went by. He saw the sun come up and was now dreading everything. He decided to get up and go to the kitchen, grabbed some water and crackers, and sat at the table. He took a couple bites out of a cracker and drank some water. His stomach felt a bit better considering what he put himself through last night. He didn’t even notice his mom come in until she spoke. 

“Oh, Kei. Are you feeling okay? You don’t look too good.” His mom walked towards him and put her hand on his forehead. “You don’t feel hot.” 

“Practice was rough yesterday and I didn’t sleep at all.” Tsukishima said, keeping his head down. 

“I suggest you stay home today and rest.” His mother said. 

“No, I’ll be fi-.” He was cut off by his mom. 

“Kei, I suggest you don’t argue with me about this. There’s no way you can go to school. You look horrible and you didn’t sleep at all last night. You going to school is a recipe for disaster.” His mother explained. 

“Okay.” Tsukishima agreed. 

He finished the crackers and water and headed back to his room. He messaged Yamaguchi that he wouldn’t be coming today. Yamaguchi woke up to the text and a wave of anxiety rushed over him. Tsukishima rarely missed school, let alone feel sick enough to miss school. 

_-I have to say something. I have to say something before it’s too late. I could tell just from seeing Tsukki’s body yesterday that he didn’t just start up again the day I caught him throwing up. He’s been doing this for awhile. How could I’ve not noticed? I mean I’m constantly around him! I’m such a bad friend…-_

A few tears rolled down Yamaguchi’s face. He messaged Tsukishima back saying he was going to stop by after school to check on him and to go over what happened in class and practice. Tsukishima agreed and Yamaguchi got ready for school. 

The day went by pretty normal. Yamaguchi was bored without Tsukishima there, especially lunch. Once practice came along he explained that Tsukishima wasn’t feeling well and didn’t come to school. Tsukishima spent most of his day lounging around between his room and the living room. Listening to music, reading, anything to keep him occupied from food. He honestly was a bit worried about Yamaguchi coming over. He could just feel that he was going to bring up his habits. 

Tsukishima finally heard a knock on his door. He got up and opened it to reveal Yamaguchi. He was standing there with a bag. 

“I brought some soup for you in case you’re not feeling well.” Yamaguchi said. 

“Oh, thank you.” 

Tsukishima took the bag from Yamaguchi and invited him in. They both went to the living room and sat on the couch. Tsukishima Set the bag on the coffee table and pulled the container out. It was simple Miso soup. Tsukishima started eating (drinking?) the soup, but he was just stirring it around with the spoon for the most part. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Yamaguchi couldn’t handle it for much longer. 

“How long?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“Uh?” Tsukishima acted confused. 

“How long have you started these habits again!? How long have you been skipping meals again!? Did you really throw up that one time in the bathroom because you were sick!? Or was it because you wanted your lunch out of your system!?” Yamaguchi was in tears. 

Tsukishima set the soup back on the coffee table. 

“Yama-” He was cut off. Yamaguchi got up from the couch and turned to look at Tsukishima. 

“AND DON’T LIE TO ME! I’VE NOTICED THE PALENESS IN YOUR FACE! I’VE NOTICED YOUR LACK OF ENERGY! I’VE NOTICED YOU RIB CAGE STICKING OUT. I’VE NOTICED EVERYTHING. HOW WOULD YOU EXPECT ME NOT TO!?” Yamaguchi was balling with tears and his face was red from the yelling. 

Tsukishima stood up in front of Yamaguchi and looked down at him. 

“WHY DOES IT MATTER!? WHY DO YOU CARE!?” Tears started flooding his eyes. 

“BECAUSE I’M YOUR FRIEND! A FRIEND SINCE CHILDHOOD! A TEAMMATE! A CLASSMATE! YOUR PARTNER!” Yamaguchi said in return. 

“IT’S MY BODY! IT’S MY LIFE! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITH IT!” 

“YOU’RE RIGHT! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT NOT WHEN YOU’RE BASICALLY KILLING YOURSELF!” 

“KILLING MYSELF!?” Tsukishima was shocked that Yamaguchi said that. “I’M NOT DOING THAT! THAT’S NOT MY INTENTIONS! THAT’S NOT EVEN WHY I’M DOING THIS!” 

“IT’S NEVER ANYONE’S INTENTIONS! IT’S NEVER WHY PEOPLE DO THIS! IT’S NEVER-IT’S NEVER ANYTHING... until it’s too late...” Yamaguchi lowered his voice and regained his composure. He rammed himself into Tsukishima and wrapped his arms around his waist. He shoved his face into Tsukishima’s chest, muffling his cries. 

“Tsukki...please. I-I can’t lose you. I can’t see my life without you. I need you to stay…” Yamaguchi pleaded. 

_-I’m sorry Yamaguchi. I’m so so sorry, but I can’t promise anything by this point.- Tsukishima thought to himself._

“Yamaguchi. Thank you for the food, but I think you should go home.” Tsukishima said while pushing Yamaguchi off him. 

“B-but Tsukki-” Yamaguchi looked up at him. 

“This is too much. I just need some time alone. Please leave.” 

Yamaguchi was going to say something, but he decided not to. He left Tsukishima's house feeling defeated, but at least he said what he wanted to say. He just hopes Tsukishima will think about what he said. Tsukishima slumped back down on the couch and put his head in his hands. Tears continued rolling down his face onto the floor. 

_ -I really messed up now. I probably just lost one of the very few people that I care about. God, I really hate myself.-  _

Tsukishima continued to sit on the couch, head in hands, crying, filling himself with negative thoughts. He heard keys jingle in the door.. He got himself together and got up from the couch. He grabbed the soup, put it back in the bag and threw it away. He headed to his room and laid down on the bed. The lack of sleep finally caught up with him and he slept. 

Yamaguchi spent most of his walk home trying to hold back the tears. Once he got home he went straight to his room and sat on his bed. 

_ \- I feel so bad, but it had to be said. I still care about him. And I hope he understands my concerns. And I hope he’s able to take what I said into consideration.-  _

Yamaguchi laid his head down on the pillow, his eyes got heavy and he went to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 will be posted later today or tomorrow (^-^)


	3. Chapter 3

Both boys woke up to the sound of their alarms going off. Both boys got up and got ready for school. Tsukishima hung back a bit so he could avoid running into Yamaguchi after last night's fiasco. Yamaguchi left his house and started walking. He got to that point in the road and debated on waiting for Tsukishima. He continued walking, but he second guessed himself. He felt butterflies of worry in his stomach and went back. He waited a few minutes then got worried. It was cutting it real close until the first bell for school rang. He decided to call Tsukishima. To his surprise he actually heard Tsukishima’s ringtone from a distance. Yamaguchi turned around and hung up the phone.

“Why did you wait for me?” Tsukishima asked.

“Well, um, I was just, um was still worried. And wanted to make sure you were okay.” Yamaguchi said.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes and continued walking. Yamaguchi trailed behind. Yamaguchi tried to find words to say, but he couldn’t. Their walk was spent in complete silence. Most of their day was spent keeping their distance from each other. At lunch Yamaguchi didn’t bother to ask Tsukishima to sit with him. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because Tsukishima left the class room when lunch started. Once school was over it was time for practice. Tsukishima waited to change until everyone was out, as normal. Afterwards they all meet up in the gym to wait for Coach Ukai orders. Once Ukai got there they all stood around the white board to talk about today's lesson and upcoming practice games. Half way through the conversation Tsukishima felt a wave of dizziness rush over him. Next thing the team saw was Tsukishima passing out, collapsing on the floor.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi exclaimed.

The team had looks of shock on their faces.

“Yachi, go grab some water and a cool rag.” Takeda-sensei said.

Coach Ukai and Takeda went over to Tsukishima to assist him.

“Everyone go do your run outside for now. Shimizu, please go and look after them.” Takeda ordered the rest of the team.

The team left the gym to go run, everyone except Yamaguchi.

“Is it okay if I stay. To help and make sure Tsukki is okay?” Yamaguchi asked.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Coach Ukai said.

Yachi came back with a water bottle and the rags. Takeda took the stuff.

“Thank you, you can go join the rest outside.” Takeda said.

Yachi left the gym. Tsukishima groaned and slowly opened his eyes. Ukai and Takeda help him sit up. Yamaguchi kneeled down next to Tsukishima. Takeda handed Tsukishima the water bottle and put the rag over his head. He drank the water.

“Tsukishima are you okay?” Takeda asked.

“I think so. I still feel a bit dizzy.” Tsukishima said.

“Tsukishima. You had some problems during our practice game. You missed yesterday due to sickness. And some students were pointing out how you’ve been hanging around the staircase during your lunch brakes. Are you sure you’re okay? Have you been to the doctors lately?” Takeda asked. As a teacher it was his job to report any suspicious activities in students.

“No, but I’m sure it’s just a cold. I haven’t really been taking proper steps to get better.”

“But, Tsukki…” Yamaguchi said. He was almost at his breaking point. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep this under covers.

“Tsukishima!” Coach Ukai said sternly.“Make sure you’re telling us the truth! You’ve been lagging in practice. You’re paler than normal, and I’ve noticed a weight change! For your safety and my responsibility as a coach I need to know if there is anything wrong!”

“Like I said I’m sure it’s just a cold! It’s nothing serious!” Tsukishima said.

“NO! IT IS SERIOUS!” Yamaguchi snapped.

“YAMAGUCHI!” Tsukishima gave what seemed like a death glare to Yamaguchi.

“NO TSUKKI! FIRST ITS NOT EATING, THEN IT'S FORCING YOURSELF TO THROW UP, THEN IT’S PASSING OUT, AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU’RE EITHER IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A FEEDING TUBE OR SIX FEET UNDER GROUND.” Yamaguchi’s eyes flooded with tears.

He was surprised he was still able to yell after last night's argument. Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei’s eyes widened.

“Yamaguchi, what do you mean?” Takeda asked.

“I don’t know for how long this time, but Tsukishima hasn’t been eating. And I’ve also caught him throwing up food. Like that day with our practice match. I caught him throwing up in the bathroom beforehand.” Yamaguchi explained.

Ukai and Takeda looked back over at Tsukishima.

“Tsukishima is this true?” Ukai asked.

“N-nn…” Tsukishima sighed. He knew he couldn’t get out of this. “Yes.”

“How long has this been going on.” Takeda asked.

“Towards the beginning of this year.” Tsukishima put his head down and let the tears fall.

“Tsukishima, this is very serious. Around 10% of the male population develop eating disorders. And it leads to serious effects that can last a lifetime.” Takeda-sensei explained. “ and because of this information I will be contacting your parents.”

Tsukishima stayed silent looking at the ground. He nodded his head in understanding.

“And also, until you get better, I’m no longer allowing you to be in the volleyball club or take part in any volleyball activities.” Coach Ukai said.

Tsukishima looked up at him. “No you can’t! Please!”

“Tsukishima! This isn’t up for debate. Continuing to let you be a part of the club is irresponsible for me as a coach. And because of your health, part-taking in the club will just make it worse. I stand by my decisions.”

Tsukishima put his head back down in defeat. Ukai and Takeda helped Tsukishima to his feet. Yamaguchi got up along with them.

“Yamaguchi, please take Tsukishima to the nurses office so he can lie down. I’ll send Yachi once everyone gets back so you can come back to practice.” Ukai said.

Yamaguchi agreed and grabbed Tsukishima. He put Tsukishima's arm around his shoulder to help support him. Lucky the group wasn’t back from their run yet, so neither of them would have to answer questions. They entered the school building to the nurses office. The nurse was already gone for the day so Yamaguchi sat Tsukishima down on the bed. He let go of Tsukishima and they sat there in silence for a few seconds.

“Do you hate me?” Tsukishima asked.

“I could never hate you Tsukki. I just care about you. I hate seeing you in a self destructive state.”

“I’m sorry Yamaguchi. I’m sorry that I put you through this. I-I never meant to h-hurt you…” Tsukishima started crying.

Yamaguchi put his arms around Tsukishima to hug him. Tsukishima rested his head on Yamaguchi’s shoulder.

“Tsukki, I might have gotten aggravated with you, but you never hurt me. I just—Tsukki I hope you get help. It might be rough, but it’ll make all the difference.” Yamaguchi said.

Tsukishima hugged on to Yamaguchi tighter and cried harder. “I’ll try. I’ll try as best as I can.”

“That’s all I can ask for.” Yamaguchi said. They stayed in a hugging position for a while. Yamaguchi would run Tsukishima back and comb his fingers through his hair until Tsukishima finally calmed down. Yachi walked in.

“Oh-oh s-sorry for not knocking first. Do you guys still need a moment?” She asked.

Both boys unraveled themselves from each other.

“No, you’re fine.” Yamaguchi assured. He looked back at Tsukishima.

“Coach Ukai said to come back to practice once Yachi got here.” Yamaguchi got up and left. He shut the door behind him and went back to the gym.

Once he got there Takeda-sensei came up to him. “Thank you Yamaguchi. And thank you for telling us. I wish you would have told us sooner, but later is better than never. I also want to inform you that Tsukishima’s parents have been contacted.”

“Will he be okay?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“As long as his parents take proper steps, which I gave them advice on, to help him, then he should be.” Takeda explained. 

“Okay, thank you.” 

“That was a bit of a rough ride. Do you want to sit out for today’s practice?” Takeda asked.

“That’s okay. It’ll actually help me get my mind off things for a while.” Yamaguchi said. 

“Alright then, but if you need a break then feel free to take one.” 

Yamaguchi nodded his head and joined the others. Nobody bothered him about Tsukishima. Yamaguchi was able to get his mind off of Tsukishima for the most part, but he was still on the back of his mind. After practice was over everyone cleaned upped and headed to the club room. When Yamaguchi got up there he checked his phone. He saw a text from Tsukishima that his parents picked him up and didn’t have to worry about walking home with him. Yamaguchi replied back and finished getting dressed. A couple of his teammates asked about Tsukishima. Yamaguchi tried to keep most information limited and just said that there were some things Tsukishima had to deal with. After everyone was done in the club room, they headed home. 

While Yamaguchi was walking he got another message from Tsukishima. He stated how his parents were contacted and he’ll be going to a clinic that specializes in ED treatment. He also said that he’ll be leaving tomorrow evening, before school is done and that he’ll be gone for a week and then they’ll decide then if he needs to stay longer or not. Yamaguchi replied that he was happy that he agreed to get help and he’ll try to stop by tomorrow morning to say goodbye before he went to school. Tsukishima said that was fine. Yamaguchi continued walking. He stared up at the moon and noticed it was full. 

_-Please, watch over Tsukki for me. Remind him that even in the darkest nights, light still shines through.-_

As Yamaguchi continued walking home he got an idea to make Tsukishima a little gift before he left. Once he got home he went straight to his room and got out different colored strings. It’s been awhile since Yamaguchi has made something like this, but he still had the technique down. Once he was done he set the stuff down by his bag so he wouldn’t forget the next morning. Yamaguchi got into bed and went to sleep.

\------

Yamaguchi woke up to his alarm and got ready for the day. Tsukishima was going to try and sleep in, but he remembered that Yamaguchi was going to stop by so he got up, went to the living room and sat on the couch to wait for Yamaguchi. He started thinking about last night. Last night was a bit rough. When Tsukishima got home his parents, along with his brother, sat him down at the table and asked him to tell them everything. It took him a couple minutes to say anything, but he remembered that he told Yamaguchi that he would try. So he let everything flow out of him along with tears. Tsukishima’s family did everything to comfort him at that moment. His parents explained that once they got the call from Takeda, they immediately searched for recovery clinics and found one that was able to take him on short notice. They explained what he would be doing and how long he would be there. Tsukishima nodded his head in agreement. After that His mom made him something light to eat and wasn’t going to let him leave the table until he took a couple of bites. He thought that was pushing it a bit, but he agreed and did just that. After that he chugged a glass of water and went to bed. Tsukishima snapped out of thought when he heard a knock at the door. He got up to answer it, and just like he expected, it was Yamaguchi. 

“Good morning Tsukki.” Yamaguchi said with a smile on a face.

Tsukishima smiled back. “Good morning. Come on in.” 

Once Yamaguchi was in, Tsukishima shut the door behind him and they sat on the couch. 

“Crazy how last time we were here, we were basically having a screaming match.” Yamaguchi laughed nervously in hopes to lighten up any tension. 

“Yea, again, sorry about that.” Tsukishima said. 

“It’s okay Tsukki.” Yamaguchi leaned in to give Tsukishima a hug, then let go. They sat there for a few moments of silence just looking at each other. Tsukishima broke the silence. 

“Um Takeda-sensei told my parents he’ll have someone collect the work I’m going to miss while I’m gone. Would you be willing to do that for me?” Tsukishima asked. 

“Of course. I’ll make sure to let him know.” Yamaguchi smiled. “Oh! I also have something for you!” Yamaguchi reached into his school bag and pulled out a bracelet he made last night.

“A bracelet?” Tsukishima questioned. 

“Not just any bracelet.” Yamaguchi pulled his jacket sleeve up a bit to reveal a matching one. “A bracelet that’s part of a pair.” Yamaguchi smiled. “I don’t know if they’ll allow you to have the bracelet while you’re there, but I’d figured I would make you something to remind you, that I’m still with you.” Yamaguchi said while putting the bracelet on Tsukishima. 

Tsukishima looked down at it and smiled. “I love it.” He looked back at Yamaguchi. “Yamaguchi?” 

“Yes, Tsukki.” 

“I know you have to leave soon for school, but until then can I lay my head in your lap?” Tsukishima asked. 

Yamaguchi nodded his head. Tsukishima re-positioned himself so he was able to put his head in Yamaguchi’s lap. Yamaguchi started running his fingers through Tsukishima’s hair. 

“Yamaguchi, I should also tell you that I most likely won’t be able to have my phone. And only family is allowed to visit. So if you want to know how I’m doing you can always stop by here and ask my family.” Tsukishima explained. 

“That sounds fine.” 

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima stayed in the position for a while until Yamaguchi’s phone alarm went off signaling that it was time for him to leave so he could make it to school. Tsukishima got off of Yamaguchi and they headed towards the door. 

“Thank you for stopping by.” Tsukishima said. 

“Would you like me to tell the team what’s going on or would you like me to keep everything quiet for now?” 

“No, tell the team, if they ask. They deserve to know. But only the team. Everyone else doesn’t need to know.” 

“Okay Tsukki.” Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima one last hug before leaving. “I’ll see you later okay.” Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima the biggest smile. 

“I’ll see you later.” Tsukishima said back. 

Yamaguchi left and headed for school. The day felt a bit grey and lonesome without Tsukishima, but Yamaguchi would much rather have him in recovery than school continuing his habits. When practice came around he explained to the team what was happening and luckily they were all understanding and very supportive. 

Tsukishima has already left for the clinic. Once he got there he was created by a nurse and counselor. He was relieved that they were super nice. They explained to him how the clinic was going to run and what his and their goal was while he was here. Tsukishima was a bit anxious, but then he looked down at the bracelet Yamaguchi gave him earlier, which the people at the clinic allowed him to keep. Tsukishima smiled. 

_-I agreed to do this for a reason. It’ll be okay...I’ll be okay-_

-The End-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be thinking "No this can't be the end. what happens to Tsukishima after he gets out?" Don't worry I do plan on writing an epilogue/aftermath! I just wanted to get the main chapters out first. :) The epilogue will be uploaded between later tonight or Thursday. Depends on how far I get with it today.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

-Epilogue- 

Tsukishima stayed in the clinic for about 8 days. Once he was allowed to leave the nurses talked to his parents about guidelines they should follow to help and gave specific rules/ tasks for Tsukishima to follow. They made sure to make it clear that if Tsukishima couldn’t follow through he would be put back in the clinic. He was also told that he has to meet with a therapist weekly for the start and then bi-weekly. Tsukishima and his family agreed to everything they were told.

After they were done they went to the car and Tsukishima found a surprise. Yamaguchi was standing against the car waiting for him. Once Yamaguchi saw him he ran up and hugged him tight. Tsukishima hugged him back. 

“I’ve missed you so much!” Yamaguchi said. 

“I missed you too.” Tsukishima said. 

They stood there hugging each other for a while until Tsukishima’s mom said it was time to go. They all got in the car and on their way home Tsukishima and Yamaguchi talked about what they did during the 8 days. They pulled up in front of Yamaguchi’s house. Before he got out of the car he asked Tsukishima when he’ll be back at school. 

“I should be back the day after tomorrow.” Tsukishima said. 

“Okay! I’ll make sure to give you your work then. Great to have you back.” Yamaguchi said with a smile. He gave Tsukishima another hug before he got out of the car. Tsukishima spent the rest of his day and the next just resting. His family made sure he was present for every meal and that he ate the food given to him. They didn’t care how long it took him to eat everything, as long as he was eating it. And anytime he went to the restroom a family member would stand outside the door to make sure he didn’t throw anything up. 

The day came when Tsukishima went back to school. He got dressed, ate breakfast and headed to school. He met up with Yamaguchi at the point in the road. 

“Good morning Tsukki!” Yamaguchi greeted him with a smile. 

“Good morning.” Tsukishima smiled back. He grabbed Yamaguchi's hand and they started walking. 

“Um, Tsukishima. I should let you know that your parents asked me to watch over you at school. Like make sure you eat your food and stand outside the restroom when you...go.” Yamaguchi said. He was a bit embarrassed to say that last part. He didn’t want to come off as a weirdo, but he knew Tsukishima would understand.

“I’m aware. My parents gave me a heads up.” 

Once they got to school Tsukishima wasn’t surprised people were whispering about him. He knew rumors spread fast. Some people came up to him and asked, but he would dismiss everything. He didn’t really care about what people had to say about him. He knew the truth, and he knew only certain people knew the truth. That’s all that mattered. Up until lunch Tsukishima struggled here and there with getting used to everything, but luckily some teachers and classmates were willing to help. Once lunch came around Yamaguchi went to Tsukishima's desk. 

“Ready to eat?” Yamaguchi asked, holding up his lunch. 

“Yea, but can we eat somewhere with less people?” Tsukishima asked. 

“Sure. Where do you want to go?” 

“Follow me.” Tsukishima got up and Yamaguchi followed. They headed towards the staircase that Tsukishima would go to, to avoid lunch. “Here should be fine.” He said 

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima sat down on the steps. 

“Why here?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“I’d usually come here when I “had to do something else” during lunch.” 

“Oh, do you think it’s a good idea then to be here?” 

“It should be fine. I’m not here by myself. I’m here with you.” Tsukishima smiled. 

The both pulled out their lunch and started eating. Tsukishima would still move his food around in his dish, but he would eventually eat it. The bell rang and they headed back to class. They got through the rest of the day and now it was time to go to practice. 

“Yamaguchi let’s head to the restroom first.” Tsukishima said. 

“Oh, do you plan on coming to practice?” 

“Not really. Remember I’m not allowed to participate in the club right now. I just need to stop by and talk to Coach Ukai real quick.” 

“Okay then.” 

Yamaguchi and tsukishima went to the restroom and did their business. Afterwards they headed towards the gym. 

“I’m going to go ahead and talk to Ukai. You can go do what you need to do.” Tsukishima said, pointing to the gym doors. 

Yamaguchi nodded his head and headed towards the club room. Tsukishima headed in the gym and approached Ukai.

“Excuse me, Coach Ukai.” Tsukishima interrupted. 

“Tsukishima! It’s good to see you again. What brings you here?” Ukai asked. 

“I just wanted to talk about where I stand in the team right now?” 

“As of now I still stand by my decision to not allow you to participate. As a team we’re going to have to adjust, but your health comes first. When I start seeing that you’re getting better, only then will I start considering letting you participate again.” 

“Understood. I’ll make it a goal to come back.” Tsukishima said. 

“Dont, push yourself. The club will always be here for you.” 

Tsukishima nodded. They said their goodbyes and Tsukishima left the gym. As he left he ran into the rest of the team. There was a bit of awkward silence until Sawamura walked up and placed his hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder. 

“It’s good to see you back, Tsukishima.” Sawamura smiled. 

The rest of the team couldn’t contain themselves and rushed over to tackle Tsukishima. Some cried happy tears and welcomed Tsukishima back. Tsukishima tried to show that he was annoyed, but on the inside he felt at home. 

“O-okay guys, please give Tsukki some space.” Yamaguchi interrupted. 

The team got off of Tsukishima. They all took a step back. “Welcome back!” The team bowed. 

“Thanks guy, but I’m not officially back on the team yet.” Tsukishima said. 

“Then we’ll wait for you! And we’ll continue winning for you!” Hinata said. 

“Yeah!” The rest of the team agreed. 

“Oh, th-thank you.” Tsukishima bowed. 

The team said their goodbyes and headed to the gym. Yamaguchi hung back for a minute. 

“I’ll see you after practice and we can do some school work?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“That sounds good.” Tsukishima smiled and pulled Yamaguchi in for a hug. 

“Message me when you get home.” Yamaguchi said. 

“I will.” 

Tsukishima let go of Yamaguchi and headed home. After practice Yamaguchi headed straight to Tsukishima’s place and they got started on school work. After they were done they just hung out and talked for a bit. 

“I see they let you keep the bracelet.” Yamaguchi said, pointing to his wrist. 

“Mmhmm. I’m glad they did. Other people at the clinic really liked it too.” 

Yamaguchi rested his head on Tsukishima’s shoulder. “That’s good to hear.” Yamaguchi rested his eyes. 

Tsukishima rested his head on top of Yamaguchi and played with his hair. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima would be lying if they said they did start to doze off. But Yamaguchi’s mom called him telling him it was time to come home. Yamaguchi collected his stuff and said goodbye. 

Both of them got ready for bed. And for the first time in a while they both got a decent sleep. 

The rest of the year went by okay. Tsukishima definitely had some bumps in the road including breakdown, rage fits, and even had to go back to the clinic during summer vacation. But despite all the downs he still got right back up. After summer vacation Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei were still hesitant to allow Tsukishima back on the team, however they allowed it. But the activities he was allowed to part-take in were limited. However everyone was still super happy for him. 

“Are you sure you’ll be okay Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“I might still fall, but I’m too stubborn to stay on the ground.” Tsukishima smiled. 

Yamaguchi smiled back. 

_ -There. That’s the Tsukki I know-  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Leaving kudos and comments means so much. I have a couple more angst filled stories so if you’re a sucker for angst and Tsukkiyama, then keep an eye out! Or even subscribe!


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